do you also get the date wrong sometimes? like I thought 2024 as I write today’s date. does it mean anything? 

anyway. a recap. 

my creative process is slow and needs external deadlines, but deadlines that aren’t too stressful, because if they’re too stressful then I avoid it by cleaning out all the kitchen cabinets or – let’s be real – I freeze and start a new TV series with at least 4 seasons, and then I feel like a failure for not meeting those deadlines and then I remember that I’m the one who made those deadlines, so I can change them at any time because I make the rules around here, and if I make the rules then that’s great I can do what I want like go back to watching TV or napping and also no one’s watching and no one cares which is really sad I should feel bad about that, so what I should do is I should definitely go back to watching TV or napping and that’s sad so sad too. unless. unless I make a deadline. 

so that’s what that’s like in here sometimes. and you? 

I know I am extremely hard on myself. and also fearful of making mistakes or being bad at something. but when I’m in it, I forget all about that and I’m in the joy of doing. like I just started roller skating and I don’t know how I look – maybe bad because of the people (men) at the roller rink checking in and trying to give me advice about how to do it – but when I’m doing it I don’t care how it looks. because it feels great. and same with doing any other creative thing – listing ideas, writing a poem, even writing this entry. I’m doing it. I’m doing it and I don’t care how it looks because how it feels is so much better. 

so I guess. I guess that’s the thing. chase the feeling of being, of being in it. turn the volume up all the way on that. and disregard the rest.