well. this is a ridiculous amount of time to try and describe, let alone summarize. so I won’t. but I can recall some peaks and valleys for you:

• lap swim in the deep winter months – the ones where spring seems like a legend or a dream – was renewing; the water reminded me of the need for regularity and rhythm, to sometimes float despite the denseness of the darkness
• talks with friends keep me afloat; so many of my dearest people are far far far away, but that is only physical distance, and we can surmount the space with intentions to be together; they give me flashes of warmth and joy
• the creation of a home – a physical space that feels like a light landing place after time away – is a creative endeavor, and one that I undertook this summer with some steady focus; it was a long time coming, and now walking through each room, admiring art and the placement of furniture, vases of flowers, small and precious objects, I feel this place and I have arrived somewhere new together
• no matter how many strategies and safeguards I think I have in place for my health and well-being, I sometimes fall ill and need help; for me the challenge is in asking for support – I don’t want to burden others – but my loved ones love me back and want to help, and I can accept that aspect of love; more than anything mutual support deepens our relationship and does not burden it
• newness is also creation – new experiences, new relationships, they are tender buds that require tending and care; newness is soft and precious and sometimes exceedingly rare and sometimes scarier than I anticipate but it is overall beautiful and vital and the biggest and best part of being alive
• at times there is nothing to do but exist, to be present and in the presence of loved ones at a meal or on a walk or under the sun or in the open air, to be present while alone, to be present in a crowd, to be and just be
• the fallow times for my writing – and for this book project about Annabelle – feel wrong, but all things need rest, I think; I am returning to it now, just in thoughts, and I think I may try some new and big changes, go back to poetic language, add lists and impressions and focus on emotion and beauty over plot and trust that the reader will let me lead them

so, yes. the process has been meandering but full. we’ll keep trying. everyday anew.