a few things I’ve learned this break: 

no one’s going to ask me to write, or be creative, or try new things

but if something good happens — like winning a contest — people will say they always knew it,

that I had it in me, that they knew I’d do it, that I’d win, etc. etc.

that isn’t to say:  I don’t believe those people. 

that isn’t to say:  those people and their kind attentions aren’t true. 

it is to say the praise is dormant, it needs a reason to surface, 

it will not arrive for no reason, and also

it is inconsequential past the moment of receiving, because the crest falls to trough, 

and there I am again, quiet and sunken and waiting to make more, try again. or not. 

because — remember — no one asks me to write, to create, to try new things

that is up to me, just me.

no one will mourn my empty pages, my echoing time, hours spent lying around, dormant like the praise. 

just me. I will mourn the time, the misses, the quiet echoing quiet, the unwritten, the untried. 

I will know that I could have done, and I didn’t. or that I wouldn’t. 

another thing:  

it doesn’t have to be good, not the first time, not the last time, it just has to be, 

let it go, wings to the wind, so that it can float and go, 

because who knows if it’ll amount to something, it might not,

but it is and it was, and it’s okay if it’s a sketch of an idea, it’s better than no, nothing, none, not.

also: 

sunlight. I need it. 

also: 

a schedule. I need it. 

also: 

movement. I need it. 

also: 

outside everyday, any weather, all weather. I need it. 

also:  I do not want to resent or envy another person for their creativity. it is energy better spent on creation. and it is a signpost, an arrow down the road in the direction I’d like to go. so, rather than a flash of anger, a pit in the gut, it can be a breadcrumb, illuminating the way, a place for my feet, a spot to search. 

and finally:  play. it is not so serious. make the pancake and throw it out. or eat it. just mix the batter and heat the pan. see what happens.